A somewhat beginning...

I figured I would get on board this blog train that has become so popular. Here is my hopeful attempt at complete honesty with the world (or whoever reads this) and with myself...Here we go...

About three years ago, I decided that my life was going in a fatal direction. I would sit back and think, "What am I missing? Why can't I do this right?" I was blessed with a certain "vessel" and found that my happiness did not lie within guys and alcohol and stuff, but it was ONLY with Christ . I tell you that first, because it is the foundation for my future blog posts. That one fact about me will explain a lot of the stories and experiences that I have decided to share.

Last night, in another late night talk, I was reminded of who I used to be. Throughout a two hour conversation between my brother and his wife, I had accumulated hundreds of shadows that are left of lost memories. Over the past fifteen years, I have very little memory of my life. This may be normal for some, but it bothers me only because I want to know what has drawn me into the current position I'm now in. Through very personal events in my life over the past six or seven years, my mind has been drained. All that is left are bits and pieces of a "somewhat, possible, questionable, confusing" memory. Certain memories of my brothers are more vivid than others. Fighting, laughing, misbehaving. The memory I have of my mom is her reading the books "Goodnight Moon" or "The Littlest Angel" to me, until I fell asleep. I can not give one, clear memory of my Dad before I was 10 yrs old. (Don't get me wrong, I'm sure he was terrific, he just worked a lot to provide for his wife and three kids) Those memories are all I have of the first eight or so years of my life. After that, my memory bank is completely cashed out. Darkness is all I see. Fights, a lot of crying, and too many lies have covered over the happy times like a blanket. I got nothin!

Don't pull out the smallest violin or even begin to plan my pity party, because self-pity has not consumed my entire soul. Over the past three years, I have heard numerous stories about this younger version of myself that I seriously can not remember. That is scary to me! Who was I six years ago? I mean, six years is not a very long time. I never fell and hit my head and got diagnosed with amnesia. I just don't remember. Now that my faith is seriously involved in my life and God is playing the driver, instead of me, I am praying that He will begin to maybe show me how my past has effected my present.

That's all for now...Keep me in your prayers and I'll update later.